Welcoming September

I recently listened to a meditation on Job 12:7-10,

“But ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you; or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish in the sea inform you. Which of all these does not know that the hand of the LORD has done this? In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.“

The meditation I listened to in my Abide app, encouraged the listener to pay attention to animals and nature and see what they can teach us. So I have been doing that the last few days. I took a walk this morning, with coffee in hand, across the road to a small pond. I walked our perimeter of land between the tall stalks of our corn and along the woods on our property. Taking my time to be present, listening to the birds and other sounds of nature. I stopped every moment a butterfly flew up in front of me or a bird flew in the air above me. All the while asking what can you teach me.

The corn turning during the end of summer, always makes me think of my dad! The late summer, early September day where the sun was beating, clouds were passing by. I think to myself as I’m walking amidst nature, that though my heart stopped the moment the news of his death was given to me, in the middle of a country road with corn growing along the side, nature didn’t stop growing. The clouds were still passing by, the earth was still spinning to shine the sun higher into our sky, birds were still flying overhead; nature continued to breath life.

Everyone who knows me, knows I am a mental health advocate and very open to my experience of being bereaved by suicide. Grief is hard, it sucks! No one wants to go through grief of any kind. Whether a loss of a loved one, a job loss or change, an end to a part of your life you’ve lived for so long; grief isn’t easy. One of the things I have learned is that though grief isn’t easy, it is important to take time to reflect on the loss in your life, where you are at in the journey of life and to be open in looking forward where God may be leading you into the next season.

I feel September coming near. I feel it in the air, like Lorelei Gilmore from Gilmore Girls can smell the snow. I always have the choice, on how to process my feelings regarding September coming and the anniversary of dad’s death. I can let myself be anxious and become sad and depressed about the loss of my dad. I could withdraw and go into a dark place and ignore all the feelings that are normal. I could, not even take time to observe all the day brings; living my life as normal getting through the day. But instead, I’m thankful God gives me the strength that allows for me to take time and reflect. Every year on September 10th, the day my dad ended his life, I have the same morning routine. I open my eyes thinking of the battle that was going on that morning in my dad’s head. The battle that had been going on for much longer than that morning. I grab my phone from my nightstand, not even moving out of my bed. I go to my playlist and play the songs in the list titled, ‘Dad’.

The second the first of 9 songs begins, the tears stream down my face. I uncontrollably let the emotions of the day fall down my face. Listening to songs like ‘When September Comes’ by Johnny and Roseann Cash, ‘Wake Me When September Comes’, by Greenday, ‘My Wish’, by Rascall Flatts, ‘Jumbalaya’ by Hank Williams, ‘Red River Valley’, by Michael Murphy and a handful of others. Songs that remind me of my dad or songs he used to sing to me, like Red River Valley. Once the songs are done playing, I wash my face and spend the day trying to do my best to bring honor to my dad; by bringing awareness to his memory and suicide. I share with my kids the ways they remind me of their grandpa Gene. I thank God for where he has lead me in this journey in helping beat the stigma of suicide and sit with others amidst their grief and use the gifts God’s given me to help others in their time of need.

I’m thankful for having heard Job 12. For I realized this morning, as I walked with God and chose to listen to some of those songs on that playlist today, nature has so much to teach me.

Trees are green today and not shades of fall because they are obedient in remaining in the season God has them in. They are not trying to move past a hard season of heat to get cooler temps. Like we often do, when we feel uncomfortable and sad in the season we are in. We try everything we can to hold onto the reigns and push through to the next season. Instead we should be like the trees who are dealing with the hot air and days of drought until God shows them the sign, it is time to move into the next season of life. We see the giant faith the tree has to turn it’s leaves into the fall colors we love. The tree shows complete trust in God when it allows it’s leaves to fall to the ground. Having no real idea what the seasons of Fall and Winter are going to bring for the life of the tree. Having no real idea if the tree will live through the winter. Then in yet another change and season of the tree’s life, it extends it’s branches towards the sun like my hands to the sky in worship to God as small buds begin to grow. The tree knows, that no matter how hard the seasons of Fall and Winter were. No matter the cold temps or strong winds that blew, the tree was able to use it’s roots to hold onto the faith it has in God to get through to the next season. The tree then gets to enjoy all the beauty of Spring after the hard seasons it went through. What’s even more amazing than that? It does it all again as Spring turns into Summer and the weather brings another round of each season’s storms.

As I walked the path between the field of corn and the edge of our woods, I observed trees with broken branches, leaves eaten by bugs and trees that were suffocated with strands of poison ivy. I saw big beautiful trees that had big ugly weeds surrounding the stump of the tree, trying to take every drop of rain that soaks down to the trees roots. But yet the leaves of the tree are turned upward, towards God, waiting for any drop of nourishment it can get to dig its roots down deeper and remain strong in the season. The weeds around that tree are like the weeds of this world that try to drown out my roots of faith. But just like the choice I have on how to recognize September 10th, I also have a choice on how to remain strong in the season God has me in. I will choose to let nature teach me. Though I go through seasons of drought and sometimes let the worries of our world, the anxiety of life and the stress of a pandemic drown my faith, I will raise my hands to the sky like the leaves of that tree, towards God who created my soul and have faith that his nourishment is enough to give me hope to get through to the next season.

**If you are having an unbearable season of life right now and need to talk, text 4hope to 741741.