Aiming Arrows

Why do we constantly doubt ourselves? Why do we question God whether we are the right person for the job of helping a friend who is struggling? Why are we constantly looking towards tomorrow as having the answer to our purpose, instead of allowing ourselves to accept that this very moment is the intentional point and place in our lives God needs us to be?

I remember the day that changed my life, when I found myself doubting the exact point and place God had me. I was a college graduate, still working retail. Though I’m extremely thankful for the many experiences and lessons I gained from working retail, I always looked towards tomorrow as the day God was going to provide a job in which I would be successful and fulfill my purpose. I was the Fine Jewelry Coordinator at the time for Sears. Sears was the retailer I spent 14 years with as I paid for college, got married, started a family and was taught the importance of treating people fairly and building a team. Though I truly loved customer service, building a team, and working with people I considered family, I always felt I was to do more with my life. No matter the success I had from working my way up from a cashier to assistant store manager and human resource manager, there was always a stirring in my heart for something more. Something more than having a job, being able to provide and pay the bills, something more than feeling the achievement of success.

The day that changed my life and lead me to my purpose, started before the store had opened. I was walking up to my department not wanting to even be at work that day when I said out loud to God, “Why am I still here? Why am I working retail with a college degree?” Seconds later God gave me the answer. I arrived in my department and noticed an employee nearby. We greeted each other and I asked how things were going. As she began to speak, I noticed her wrist was wrapped with bandages. My mouth opened before my brain could restrict it and I asked what happened to her. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. With hesitation in her voice she said, “I slit my wrist last night. I’m really struggling. Life is hard and everything is piling up on me.” In complete shock I instantly regretted my choice in questioning her. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit was present and turned my awkwardness into compassion. I told her how sorry I was for the struggles she was having. I told her I had no words to make the pain go away, but I wanted to let her know I was there for her, praying, and that I would miss her greatly as would many others if she completed the act of suicide.

The store was about to open so we had to end our conversation. She thanked me for my words and said she couldn’t even believe she told me what happened. She admitted she was getting help and a therapy appointment had been scheduled but she was thankful I was there to see and acknowledge her presence. That moment, to some people, may not mean a thing. But to me, someone who had lost her dad to suicide 5 years earlier, it meant so much. Why had God chose me to be the one at work that day? Why had God chose me to ask the question that lead to the conversation with her? Why did God choose me, to lose my dad to suicide? Where did those words that came out of my mouth providing her comfort, though I was terrified to speak, come from?

That wasn’t the last intentional place God put me to have a conversation about suicide. Nor was it the last time the Holy Spirit showed up providing me the very words God needed me to say. In fact, through my time in retail and my life experience that leads to today, there have been several people who have opened up to me about their struggles in life and their battles with mental health. But after the day I questioned why God had me in retail, He started showing me signs that my journey was going to include helping others with my words regarding mental health and the topic of suicide.

That journey has lead me to becoming a member of the Four County Suicide Prevention Coalition, an active advocate in the field of mental health and a volunteer on the Four County L.O.S.S team (Local Outreach for Survivors of Suicide). As a volunteer for LOSS, we are first responders to the scene of a suicide. We are called by law enforcement to support the families who are now responsible for dealing with their challenging feelings of grief from suicide. Many times we are on the scene in less than 2 hours from the death. A time when the family is in shock, angry, hurt and confused over what happened. We are not counselors, but offer support and resources, a listening ear and a connection from one survivor of suicide (someone who has lost a loved one to suicide) to another.

Many people I speak with say they don’t know how I can be a volunteer for LOSS, showing up to such a sensitive and tough time in a families life with having my own memories of the day I lost my dad. But to me, I truly come alive. Often times, after leaving a scene, I feel energized, like the Holy Spirit just breathed life into me. It is during those times I realize I have achieved the ‘something more’ I was craving. I can be very passionate about the subject of suicide today, though 16 years ago when I lost my dad, I couldn’t even say the word suicide. I am very passionate about mental health that sometimes I have to remember not everyone understands my journey and the job I have accepted, working for God. Though it isn’t always easy work and sometimes leaves me saddened for the families loss, I know this is the very job God has created me to do. My degree in communications, my training in the Stephen’s Ministry program as well as reading God’s word has equipped me with skills to not only be on the LOSS team, but to offer empathy, compassion and a listening ear to those God puts in my path. However it is in my personal experience of grief, my long sad days questioning why I had to lose my dad, that became ‘on the job training’ I needed to be there for someone when they are grieving.

God has also taught me, that I don’t have to be fulfilling the job of L.O.S.S team volunteer on the scene of a suicide to fulfill my purpose of offering empathy and compassion to others. I realize today, that can happen anytime in any situation in any of the roles God has me in.

The day God changed my life while working at Sears, was the day I realized my job wasn’t in retail. My job and title wasn’t fine jewelry coordinator and my employer wasn’t Sears. Sure, Sears was the employer name on my paycheck that provided the means to provide for my family. But actually it was the role I was in to fulfill my purpose; to fulfill my job description as Christian. My employer is God. My purpose is to build His kingdom. My job is to lead those God puts in my path, directly to Him using my strengths of communication and my experience in grief to offer empathy.

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law? Jesus replied, ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is to love your neighbor as yourself. Matthew 22:36-39

Though God has me in many roles in my life, they are not my purpose. Though I have many job titles between where I work now and my personal life: HR Coordinator, mom, wife, friend, daughter they are not my purpose. My purpose in this life isn’t to have a job that I’m using my college degree. My purpose isn’t to be a mom, wife or friend. My purpose isn’t achieving success. My purpose isn’t to live out what society knows as the ‘American Dream’; gaining an education, finding the perfect high-paying job, retiring with a large pension and happy life. My purpose and yours as well, is to see others for the struggles they are having in life and to use the strengths and gifts He created in us, and the testimony we have to share, to build his kingdom. Listening to the enemy of pursuing the ‘American Dream’ will always lead to living a life of yearning for something more.

That’s it! That’s our purpose when we have the job title as Christian. The job we have as Christians is to use our roles of employee, mom, wife, friend, daughter, fine jewelry coordinator or loss team volunteer, to listen to the Holy Spirit and offer empathy and compassion to those he puts in our path.

Proverbs 19:21, “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”

You may have a job that is an 8 hour shift 5 days a week. You may work 3 days a week for 12 hours. You may work 7 days a week, 12 hour days or you might not work at all. Working for God is a 7 day a week 24 hour shift. Though he provides down time because rest is important to Him, we must use that downtime wisely. Whether it is to spend time being still listening to his direction for us, reading his word to prepare you for the battle and job he will give you tomorrow, or to refresh because he just put your soul to work to be there for a friend at a time when you really didn’t want to show up at all.

I miss my dad each and every day. But the journey of loss he put me on was what I now consider, job training. He already signed my employment contract when I vowed to be a Christian. When I said I want to give my life to Jesus, God signed on the line giving me a job. A job that is so much more important and rewarding than any job that pays our bills or provides achievement of what the world considers success. It is a job that doesn’t matter whether or not I hold a college degree. It is a job that pays well because my soul is satisfied living for the very reason it was created! It is a job that has the most extensive prestigious retirement plan, an eternal life in heaven by His side.

Some days I don’t want to show up and ‘clock-in’ though there is no time clock working for God. Many times we feel we don’t have the right words to say or text to that friend struggling. So many times we think we will say the wrong thing and therefore we don’t say anything at all. The enemy knows the details of my employment contract with God. He tries hard and honestly sometimes succeeds in making me tell God, “I’m sorry but I have to call in today. I’m not strong enough, I’m going through my own struggles.” But sometimes, just like that day back at Sears when I didn’t even want to be there, sometimes we just have to show up and remember we are chosen to bear fruit.

“The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to and it will prosper everywhere I send it.” Isaiah 55:10-11

We have to accept the job in the very intentional moment he has placed us. We may feel completely unqualified and inadequate for the job. But he has chosen us, regardless of whether we feel we are qualified or not. He has chosen you to see that friend who is having a hard time and sit with them and say, I’m here, and God hears your cries.

“But you are the ones chosen by God, chosen for the high calling of priestly work, chosen to be a holy people. God’s instruments to do His work and speak for Him, to tell others of the night and day difference He made for you, from nothing to something, from rejected to accepted.” 1 Peter 2:9-19

I am thankful for those people God surrounds me with on the days the enemy tries to file an appeal against my employment contract with God. Days when life is hard, things are piling up and I’m struggling. Because the days I surrender to the enemy and say, “God send someone else, use someone else’s words” He sends a friend to show up in my life, encouraging me to move forward. That friend encourages me to keep showing up for work, writing and using my words to encourage others. Because they too accepted the job God chose them for. It’s their job and purpose of being a Christian to recognize my struggles on the days I don’t want to show up, to encourage me to move forward. A job they are worthy of and qualified to complete, regardless of whether they hold a college degree or have a lifetime of hard painful, job training.

That is the purpose for us and the purpose for life. We need to keep showing up, staying clocked in working to build His kingdom. We need to stop listening to the enemy when he puts doubts in our minds that we are enough or that we are not the right person for the job because of life’s failures we let define us. Whether it be preparing for the battle by reading God’s word or doing the hard work that fulfills our soul of being there for the ‘neighbor’ He puts in our path, being a Christian and working for God is a job title I am most proud of.

What does it look like to, ‘sit at the feet of Jesus?’ Sisters Mary & Martha teach us in scripture, the importance of doing just that. But they had the ability to sit, physically near his feet and hear his teaching. So, for you what does it look like? In what ways do you sit at the feet of Jesus?

He tells us in Luke that Mary has chosen the good portion, by sitting at His feet. Does this mean sitting still, quietly, on the floor near a chair to physically feel you would be sitting at his feet? Does this mean being still in any physical location?

I remember hearing Beth Moore teach on how we should lie flat on the floor, face down every morning. Because lying there, first thing, allowed us to acknowledge we were nothing without God. We aren’t even able to rise, stand or sit without first yielding to His presence. A podcast I listened to this week spoke about their practice of sitting still with palms face up to give everything to God to acknowledge we can’t do it with out Him, a symbolic representation of giving him the reins. Are these ways of sitting at the feet of Jesus?

Can you imagine what the living room would have felt like while Mary sat at the feet of a king? I can envision her kneeling on the floor, leaning in and focused on every word. I can see the look on her face for her king, a look of being in awe, a look of lovingkindness. The very attribute I love most of God, His lovingkindness for me! She had to be quiet to listen to him. She had to quiet her mind while listening to Him. I envision if Martha would have been sitting at His feet, her mind would have been questioning whether everything was out for the evenings meal.

Isn’t that so easy to do! I might succeed in the physical part, of sitting in my beautifully decorated war room, but sometimes don’t mentally show up. It’s true sometimes I’m Mary but most times, I’m Martha. I’m often unable to empty my thoughts before sitting with my king. I then rush through that special time because I know my heart isn’t right. I suppose Martha could have very easily sat at His feet, even from the kitchen. Because she could have mentally emptied her thoughts and focused on His words! But according to Psalm 91,

“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.”

As my pastor often mentions, to be in someone’s shadow is to be very close to that person. I’m certain, Mary was in the shadow of Jesus!

So what does sitting at the feet of Jesus look like to you? Where are you at when doing this? Does it matter? Are you showing up physically, mentally and emotionally? Are you talking to God in a lovingkindness way, in awe of who He is? Are you in Gods shadow keeping out all mental distractions? What else are you doing to sit with Jesus?

I pray we can make time today to sit at the feet of our King!

I recently listened to a meditation on Job 12:7-10,

“But ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you; or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish in the sea inform you. Which of all these does not know that the hand of the LORD has done this? In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.“

The meditation I listened to in my Abide app, encouraged the listener to pay attention to animals and nature and see what they can teach us. So I have been doing that the last few days. I took a walk this morning, with coffee in hand, across the road to a small pond. I walked our perimeter of land between the tall stalks of our corn and along the woods on our property. Taking my time to be present, listening to the birds and other sounds of nature. I stopped every moment a butterfly flew up in front of me or a bird flew in the air above me. All the while asking what can you teach me.

The corn turning during the end of summer, always makes me think of my dad! The late summer, early September day where the sun was beating, clouds were passing by. I think to myself as I’m walking amidst nature, that though my heart stopped the moment the news of his death was given to me, in the middle of a country road with corn growing along the side, nature didn’t stop growing. The clouds were still passing by, the earth was still spinning to shine the sun higher into our sky, birds were still flying overhead; nature continued to breath life.

Everyone who knows me, knows I am a mental health advocate and very open to my experience of being bereaved by suicide. Grief is hard, it sucks! No one wants to go through grief of any kind. Whether a loss of a loved one, a job loss or change, an end to a part of your life you’ve lived for so long; grief isn’t easy. One of the things I have learned is that though grief isn’t easy, it is important to take time to reflect on the loss in your life, where you are at in the journey of life and to be open in looking forward where God may be leading you into the next season.

I feel September coming near. I feel it in the air, like Lorelei Gilmore from Gilmore Girls can smell the snow. I always have the choice, on how to process my feelings regarding September coming and the anniversary of dad’s death. I can let myself be anxious and become sad and depressed about the loss of my dad. I could withdraw and go into a dark place and ignore all the feelings that are normal. I could, not even take time to observe all the day brings; living my life as normal getting through the day. But instead, I’m thankful God gives me the strength that allows for me to take time and reflect. Every year on September 10th, the day my dad ended his life, I have the same morning routine. I open my eyes thinking of the battle that was going on that morning in my dad’s head. The battle that had been going on for much longer than that morning. I grab my phone from my nightstand, not even moving out of my bed. I go to my playlist and play the songs in the list titled, ‘Dad’.

The second the first of 9 songs begins, the tears stream down my face. I uncontrollably let the emotions of the day fall down my face. Listening to songs like ‘When September Comes’ by Johnny and Roseann Cash, ‘Wake Me When September Comes’, by Greenday, ‘My Wish’, by Rascall Flatts, ‘Jumbalaya’ by Hank Williams, ‘Red River Valley’, by Michael Murphy and a handful of others. Songs that remind me of my dad or songs he used to sing to me, like Red River Valley. Once the songs are done playing, I wash my face and spend the day trying to do my best to bring honor to my dad; by bringing awareness to his memory and suicide. I share with my kids the ways they remind me of their grandpa Gene. I thank God for where he has lead me in this journey in helping beat the stigma of suicide and sit with others amidst their grief and use the gifts God’s given me to help others in their time of need.

I’m thankful for having heard Job 12. For I realized this morning, as I walked with God and chose to listen to some of those songs on that playlist today, nature has so much to teach me.

Trees are green today and not shades of fall because they are obedient in remaining in the season God has them in. They are not trying to move past a hard season of heat to get cooler temps. Like we often do, when we feel uncomfortable and sad in the season we are in. We try everything we can to hold onto the reigns and push through to the next season. Instead we should be like the trees who are dealing with the hot air and days of drought until God shows them the sign, it is time to move into the next season of life. We see the giant faith the tree has to turn it’s leaves into the fall colors we love. The tree shows complete trust in God when it allows it’s leaves to fall to the ground. Having no real idea what the seasons of Fall and Winter are going to bring for the life of the tree. Having no real idea if the tree will live through the winter. Then in yet another change and season of the tree’s life, it extends it’s branches towards the sun like my hands to the sky in worship to God as small buds begin to grow. The tree knows, that no matter how hard the seasons of Fall and Winter were. No matter the cold temps or strong winds that blew, the tree was able to use it’s roots to hold onto the faith it has in God to get through to the next season. The tree then gets to enjoy all the beauty of Spring after the hard seasons it went through. What’s even more amazing than that? It does it all again as Spring turns into Summer and the weather brings another round of each season’s storms.

As I walked the path between the field of corn and the edge of our woods, I observed trees with broken branches, leaves eaten by bugs and trees that were suffocated with strands of poison ivy. I saw big beautiful trees that had big ugly weeds surrounding the stump of the tree, trying to take every drop of rain that soaks down to the trees roots. But yet the leaves of the tree are turned upward, towards God, waiting for any drop of nourishment it can get to dig its roots down deeper and remain strong in the season. The weeds around that tree are like the weeds of this world that try to drown out my roots of faith. But just like the choice I have on how to recognize September 10th, I also have a choice on how to remain strong in the season God has me in. I will choose to let nature teach me. Though I go through seasons of drought and sometimes let the worries of our world, the anxiety of life and the stress of a pandemic drown my faith, I will raise my hands to the sky like the leaves of that tree, towards God who created my soul and have faith that his nourishment is enough to give me hope to get through to the next season.

**If you are having an unbearable season of life right now and need to talk, text 4hope to 741741.

Everyone knows there are 4 seasons in the year, Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall. Everyone who knows me knows Fall has always been my favorite season each year. I’m not sure if my love of fall is because the cooler weather and crisp air allows me to pull out cozy sweaters and boots or if its my love of the color orange that shows through pumpkins, gourds and fall leaves. Either way, fall always has a way of swooning me by the cool air that picks me up, wraps me in a blanket and brings me into the comfort of the season.

Though the lovely fall season doesn’t start until later in September there is, in my life, a 5th season. This season begins every year on July 29th and typically ends by the time Fall actually begins. July 29th is such a blessed day to me personally, but a sad day to an unknown family. July 29th is the day my family received the news that saved my moms life. It was the day we received a call from Cleveland Clinic saying my mom’s 8 month wait on the lung transplant list was over, they had a single lung that would be a good fit. My moms battle with emphysema and copd landed her on the famous list of needing a double lung transplant. However, that call we first received was for a single lung only. They asked if my mom wanted to make the trip for a single lung, or wanted to wait for another time when they were certain to have two viable lungs to fit her body. Because at the time my mom could’t walk more than 6-8 feet with out stopping to try to catch her breath, she said yes; one good lung would be better than two bad. So as my sisters and I said goodbye to everyone who had gathered to celebrate our families’ July birthdays, we made the well-known trip to Cleveland.

After registering and waiting in the room with my mom while all the tests were ran, we received the news that in fact, mom would be receiving two lungs. Though instant gratitude filled our hearts, we were also saddened for a family who had lost a loved one and now battling grief.

Mom’s journey would be a long one. After her surgery took place on July 30th, 2007 she had to remain close in proximity to Cleveland Clinic for a minimum of two weeks. Then she could return home with frequent monthly visits to the clinic. My mom is a fighter, a strong-spirited, won’t let anyone get in her way kind of person. Because of her dedication, bravery and strong commitment to be with her family, she is still with us today 13 years later. I will forever be thankful to God for allowing us to have faith in Him. Enough faith that when we were thanking him for having one lung, He gave her two. I will also forever be thankful for my mom who fights even at times she doesn’t want to fight any longer. Through bouts of illness, the onset of diabetes and now kidney disease that has brought her to completing dialysis every night in her home, she is still showing she is a fighter and living life as best as she can. I pray that I can live my life with such dedication and diligence as an example for my children.

But this fifth season that begins on July 29th doesn’t necessarily end as joyful as it begins. Five weeks after my moms life-saving surgery, during the beautiful month of September, my dad walked into her home for his last time. I was glad I could be there to see him and thank him as he handed me my birthday card staying for only a short time before walking out. My mom and dad were no longer married, but had a civil relationship that allowed for family gatherings to include them both. Little did we know that in the last five weeks and I’m sure for much longer than that, my dad had been battling depression and thoughts of suicide. That following week, on Monday September 10th, 2007 my dad completed suicide. My dad took his own life, 6 weeks after the day my mom received new life.

I remember the day all too well. As we were waiting for the police to surround my dads house to see why he pushed his girlfriend out and grabbed his gun, I was feeling anxious. I was standing just outside, down the road at my brothers house in the country. As we watched, over the soybean field between the two homes the police took action. My strong-spirited, won’t let anyone get in her way personality I adopted from my mom took over. I couldn’t wait any longer and began walking towards his house. I chose to walk on the side of the country road, in the corn field where the first 10 rows had been removed for silage for farm animals. As I took each step, my boots pushed down the shortened corn stalks crunching beneath my feet. I could smell that cool crisp air that told me fall was near. As I walked in the corn field amidst the silence in my head and yet rushing thoughts of not knowing what was happening, a police officer spotted me. As I met him in the middle of the road, he told me the news my dad didn’t make it. The news took over my entire body as my knees buckled and I fell, down into the officer. He held me up saying he was sorry, but my dad took his own life.

So this season that I currently find myself in, brings many waves of emotion. I am praying for an unknown family who lost a loved one so my mom could breath; thanking God for giving my children a chance to know their grandmother. But then I enter a time of quiet solitude. A time that almost feels like life stands still, but the corn keeps growing. As the corn changes from summer green to fall yellow I can hear the crunching sound again. Still today, I sometimes wake up from the nightmare of hearing the sound of the combined-cornfield beneath my boots and feeling the bullet-proof vest on the officer who caught me. Living each day from July 29th to September 10th wandering exactly what was going through my dads mind, during that time brings pain and peace all at the same time.

Though there are still times I wish I knew the answer to my questions of why, I can say today because of the path God put me in through my grief, I am thankful for the journey. For it is this journey I learned about faith and grace and mercy. It is because of this journey through the valley that equips me to respond to a L.O.S.S call as a 1st responder to the scene of a suicide. It is this journey that allows me to sit in the presence of a hurting soul bereaved by suicide, looking into their eyes to say, “the corn will still be standing tall tomorrow, and if you take it one step at a time, you will be too”.

Sometimes this extra season is harder than others. Sometimes I will take a walk on a sunny late summer day and feel the love my dad has for me as the sun hits my face. Other times I see the tassles on the top of the corn forming and the cobs drooping waiting to turn color and be harvested, and realize the time is near. The time I wish I could erase and have my dad back. And just like the echoes of Hank Williams Sr. playing in my dad’s office in my younger days, the Holy Spirit echoes in my mind John 16:22:

So with you, now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

If you are hurting today, grieving a loved one, know God is our comforter. It says in Deuteronomy 31:8:

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

To my beautiful season of fall, I anxiously await your arrival. When you come we will celebrate with long walks in sweaters and boots and drinking pumpkin spice lattes while enjoying the smell of crisp air and the beautiful fall leaves. But until then, I must take this season as God provides, for me to be still listening to the spirit, allowing God to comfort me and watching the corn grow tall. For when you come Oh Fall, I will be standing tall too.

I strongly believe, life is about finding the super power God has placed within us, and using that power to help lead others to Jesus.

Have you ever had a conversation with your kids and asked them the super power question? If you could have any super power, what would it be? Some people say to be invisible, to fly, or to have massive strength. If you think about it, we all have super powers! Some of our powers we have been given the day we took our very first breath as newborns. Some super hero powers, such as massive strength, need to be practiced and honed in to use the right way. They need to gain the skill of knowing just how much effort to take when using that strength. Sometimes, we are not aware of the power God has given us to lead others to Jesus, until we are right in the moment and vulnerable enough to use the power. It reminds me of how the relationship with a close friend of mine began. We met because our daughters were in the same grade. As we started talking we realized our connection of having family members struggle with mental health. As she shared about some tragic memories in her childhood, I just sat and listened to her intently. I began to use my words of encouragement and empathy as she shared some sensitive memories. I remember early on as she was so grateful for our conversation, I felt alive! I felt that I was created for that very conversation! As our relationship began to bloom, God allowed me to use skills I learned from college and Stephens Ministry training. I learned how to use those skills with just the right effort along with my god-given gift of words, to bear fruit and give Him glory by pointing my new friend towards Jesus. Stringing words together in communication and being bold enough to use them is my god-given gift, knowing when and how to use them effectively is a learned skill!

Have you ever felt alive like that? Is there a time you were so alive you knew that moment you were meant to be there? Maybe you’ve had the experience of coaching, and though your love for sports drove your ambition to help kids, it was the moment they finally grasped the skill they had been practicing that made you feel alive.

Those moments are when God has ignited the super power within us! The times you feel the most accomplishment or the most proud of the effort you put forth, are the times we are using the God-given abilities we have been given! Those gifts partnered with our learned experiences and skills are what makes us moms, super heroes! I can hear some of you now, I’m not super. If only you saw the ways I’ve failed as a mom this week, you wouldn’t call me a super hero. Boy have I been there, like the times I’ve yelled with sharp spearing words that hit their heart. The problem with being a mom, is that we sometimes don’t see the accomplished end result of our effort, until YEARS later! All we see are several failures that add to our mountain of must-do better tomorrow!

But did you know we all have a super power in us that we need to practice the skill of using more? My oldest daughter has really been into the Avengers series this month! It always amazes us how each hero has many different tools they whip out at just the right moment. So what’s the super power we all hold onto and hardly use? Asking for help from the fellow cape-adorned moms in our community; yes, if learned appropriately, is the greatest skill we will gain in our lifetime. I’m willing to bet that right now as you are reading this, you can think of an area you are struggling in as a mom. Maybe its a behavior one of your kiddos is exhibiting and you are just at your whits end of dealing with. I would encourage you first to pray about it. To pray that God put the right person in your path that might have some helpful insight into how to help you. He works miracles and I’m certain that moments after praying about it, you will run into the right mom whether at the grocery store or the park. You need to practice the skill of asking the question to help you solve the problem.

While we are on the subject of problem solving, I read an article this week that taught on how to teach our kids to be problem solvers. Who could use that? I don’t know about you, but when my kids were younger, I was constantly solving problems and putting out fires.

“She took my toy”

“I’m hungry”

“My sock doesn’t fit right”

“He got applesauce on my shoes” Oh ya, we’ve had them all!

I know as moms we wish we could have super stretching power like elastigirl from The Incredibles, who could extend her arms as far as she needed, to grab her kids and keep them away from each other! We are stretched thin that’s for sure! So why not have the kids solve the problems. I hear you laughing now, but the article (link below) I have posted in our Guiding The Archer Pinterest page will impact you to start asking the right questions to your kids, to encourage them to solve their own problems. Giving you the time to pray to Jesus, asking for the right person to be put into your path, and thanking him for the opportunity to serve him using our skills as cape-adorned super heroes!

How to Teach Problem Solving

I had to do the hard work during my college years to figure out my interests and strengths. I want to help guide my children to have a better idea of who they are sooner than later and it is possible with the use of language. I will be sharing lots of tips and tools on this website and social media when it comes to using our words to help our children, but today I want to talk about how we praise our kiddos and encourage you to try something different. if you are one who, like me, always says ‘Good Job’ then you are in the right place! Read through the end of this article for 2 life-changing videos in regards to using the right words when praising your kids and acknowledging their strengths.

There is so much research that I have read that talks about how to praise your child in ways that encourages growth! Some studies even say don’t praise your child, but to praise the process they took to produce the effort. This is KEY and really the main step in bringing out the God-given abilities and strengths our children have! If you are a parent who always tells their child, good job, you are not alone! As moms, we wear many hats: cook, maid, nanny, chauffeur to name a few. I know for me, when I am busy in those very important roles, I do one of 2 things when my child comes to me looking for affirmation of a job well done. I either use the general comment of ‘good job’ or all I see is what needs improved and say something like, ‘your handwriting isn’t very neat, we need to work on that’, therefore giving him the label of messy. Honesty is very important and not being truthful with our kids when they need to improve, isn’t helpful. The video below touches on the importance of praising the effort vs. the person or what to do instead of applying a label such as ‘you’re so smart’.

Instead of saying, ‘your handwriting isn’t very neat’ I could have said, ‘I can see you really took some time making your t’s super straight.

Were you waiting for the ‘but’ when you read what I could have said? Me too, in fact I started typing it because it is SO INGRAINED into our language to tell them what needs improved. And don’t get me wrong, there is a time and place for that. By me acknowledging the parts of his writing that looked good, he hears it looks good because of the effort he took and therefore will encourage him to take that effort next time with the rest of his writing.

Habits are hard to break. In fact experts say it takes 28 days to form a new habit. I have been a mom for 14 years, that’s 14 years of ‘good job’ that I need to break. Don’t beat yourself up if after reading this article you hear yourself say ‘good job.’ Take it one day at a time, observe your child and observe the phrases you use. If you say good job, move on. Then take some time to write down what you could have specifically said instead. On our Guiding The Archer Pinterest page are some images that include great suggestions on what to use instead! Please comment below your thoughts on the videos. Would love to hear your feedback!

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   I liked. sitting at the feet. Listening to the words of Jesus. The piece an comfort that would bring .…

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   Amen! Our purpose is to know God, make Him known to others and spread His Kingdom message around the world….

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   Nothing is wasted in God’s economy. Your painful journey while supporting your loved ones around you has become a bridge…

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   Enjoyed the post. Can’t wait to see the path the arrow travels.

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   I absolutely LOVE these videos!!! I have always preached 100% effort with my children and not the end result. Being…

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• Pinterest

I recently asked a group of moms to describe their children’s strengths. I then asked the same group of moms to list strengths they had as parents. As expected, the moms were able to list several strengths of their children and practically skipped over the listing their own strengths. The next week I asked theses parents to post their children’s weaknesses and their own personal weaknesses when it came to parenting. Sure enough, the parents were now able to express their own personal weaknesses without hesitation.

Why is that? Why are we much more comfortable in expressing the weakest parts of our being versus telling others what we are good at? I wonder if it’s because if we openly admit the areas we are good at, people might expect to see us being good at them. If we say “I’m great at disciplining my children” but then during your son’s ball game your daughter is out of control, everyone thinks you are a fraud! Another reason I personally feel better listing my weaknesses, is because of the way I soon relate to other moms. It’s much easier to admit my flaws and hear the other mom say, “Oh man, I’m struggling too.”

So why is it important to understand and talk bravely about our strengths? I think we would all agree that our kids are sponges. They are listening to our every word! Country singer Rodney Atkins has a song called ‘Watching You’ describing this perfectly. He talks about how his little boy mimics his dad’s every action; from cursing to talking to God like a friend while praying. All of our words and actions are being watched. If we are constantly talking only about our weaknesses, they will only talk about and look for theirs! So, let us all agree to take a vow, that we will do what is necessary to not only acknowledge our strengths but to learn the language it takes to share them with others, especially our children. Then and only then will we start to change the way our children think of themselves. By noticing our child’s’ strengths, and using language that informs the child what their strengths are, they will start to live out their strengths and find ways to build more. Teaching them how to build on their strengths while letting ours define the best version of ourselves, will help aim them in a positive direction!

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